When Love Isn’t Enough: Understanding the Shouting Parent

After 30 years of raising my own children and 14 years helping hundreds of families as a parenting coach, I’ve learnt something that might surprise you: the parents who shout the most aren’t the ones who care the least – they’re often the ones who care the most.

If you’re reading this because you’ve been shouting at your children and feeling awful about it, let me start by saying this: you’re not a terrible parent. You’re a human being trying to do an incredibly difficult job with very little training.

But here’s what I want you to understand about why good parents shout – and what you can do about it.

The Perfectionist Parent Trap

When working with parents, I see a clear pattern. The parents who struggle most with shouting are often high achievers – doctors, teachers, business owners, professionals who excel in their careers but feel like failures at home. are patient and kind and understanding – then, when nothing

They set impossibly high standards for themselves as parents, just as they do in their professional lives. When their 4-year-old has a meltdown over the wrong colour cup, or their 8-year-old ‘forgets’ to do homework for the third time this week, these parents don’t just see behaviour that needs addressing – they see evidence of their own parenting failures.

The internal dialogue goes something like this: “If I were a good parent, my child wouldn’t behave like this. Other parents seem to have it sorted. What’s wrong with me?”

This self-criticism creates a pressure cooker effect. The more stressed and self-critical you become, the less patience you have. The less patience you have, the more likely you are to shout. And the more you shout, the worse you feel about yourself as a parent.

These parents are good parents – they often stay calm, kind and understanding for a good length of time. Then – when their child still doesn’t do what they want – something snaps in them and they lose it completely. Maybe you’ve noticed you do this too?

The Misplaced Professional Skills Problem

Here’s something else I see regularly: parents trying to use their professional skills at home, with disastrous results.

If you’re used to managing teams, solving problems quickly, or getting compliance from adults, you might unconsciously try to parent the same way. But here’s the thing – children aren’t employees. They don’t respond to the same authority structures, logical arguments, or efficiency demands that work in the office.

When your child doesn’t respond to your ‘management style,’ frustration builds. You might find yourself thinking: “I can get a room full of adults to listen to me, so why won’t my own child?”

The answer is simple but profound: because your child’s job isn’t to make your life easier. Their job is to grow, learn, test boundaries, and develop into independent human beings. And sometimes, that’s going to be inconvenient, illogical, and messy.

The Emotional Overwhelm Factor

Good parents shout because they’re emotionally overwhelmed, not because they’re bad people. Let me paint you a picture that might feel familiar:

You’ve had a stressful day at work. You’re tired, you’re behind on household tasks, and you’re trying to juggle dinner, homework, and getting everyone ready for tomorrow. Your child chooses this moment to refuse to tidy their room, or dawdles getting ready for bed, or starts an argument with their sibling.

In that moment, your nervous system goes into fight-or-flight mode. Your heart rate increases, stress hormones flood your system, and your brain’s rational thinking centre goes offline. What comes out isn’t a calm, measured response – it’s a shout.

This isn’t a character flaw. It’s a normal human response to stress and overwhelm.

The Connection vs Correction Confusion

Many good parents shout because they’ve been taught that children need firm boundaries and consequences. They worry that if they don’t get tough, their children will become spoilt or unruly.

But here’s what 30 years of parenting and years of coaching families has taught me: children respond better to connection than correction.

When you shout, you might get immediate compliance (which can feel like it ‘works’), but you’re not actually teaching your child anything positive. You’re just activating their stress response, just like yours was activated.

Children who are shouted at regularly don’t become more compliant long-term – they become either more defiant or more anxious. Neither outcome is what loving parents want for their children.

What Good Parents Can Do Instead

The solution isn’t to never feel frustrated or overwhelmed – that’s impossible. The solution is to develop better strategies for managing those difficult moments.

Here are three practical steps you can start implementing today:

1. Recognise Your Warning Signs 

Learn to identify what happens in your body just before you shout. Do you feel heat rising in your chest? Do your shoulders tense up? Does your breathing change? These are your early warning signals that you’re heading towards overwhelm.

2. Create a Pause  

When you notice those warning signs, give yourself permission to pause. This might mean saying to your child: “I need a moment to think about this” and stepping into another room for 30 seconds. It might mean taking three deep breaths before responding. It might mean sitting down instead of looming over your child.

3. Lower Your Voice Instead of Raising It 

This sounds counterintuitive but try whispering instead of shouting. Children have to stop what they’re doing and really listen when we speak quietly. It also helps you stay calmer and more in control.

The Path Forward

Remember, changing ingrained patterns takes time and practice. You’re not going to transform from a shouting parent to a zen master overnight, and that’s perfectly normal.

What matters is your intention to do better and your willingness to keep trying. Your children don’t need you to be perfect – they need you to be present, loving, and committed to growth.

Every time you catch yourself before shouting, every time you repair the relationship after a difficult moment, every time you choose connection over control, you’re showing your children something valuable about being human.

You’re showing them that mistakes don’t define us – how we respond to them does.

If you’re struggling with shouting, please know that you’re not alone, and there is hope. With the right support and strategies, you can create the calm, connected family life you’ve always wanted.

I’m Elizabeth O’Shea, a child behaviour expert and parenting coach with over 30 years of experience. I specialise in helping parents manage their own emotions while guiding their children through difficult behaviour. If you’re ready to become the calm, connected parent you want to be for your child, find out more about working with me (and the investment).

Most parents need strategies and expert guidance to change their child’s behaviour and their own responses long-term. If you’re ready to get the support you need to change your family life -for good – arrange a suitable time for your free discovery call and we can explore if working with me would be right for you.