As a child behaviour specialist I work with parents whose toddlers have severe tantrums – and occasionally – tantrums lasting over 2 hours. If a toddler’s tantrums are ruining family life. When children’s behaviour becomes so extreme, it’s good that parents know to seek professional help.

However, the ‘terrible twos’ and tantrums are a normal developmental phase that most children go through. It can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, not just for your child, but for you too. So, it’s good to explore what’s really happening during those spectacular meltdowns and why they’re actually a sign of healthy development.

Understanding Tantrums

Babies gradually learn to understand ‘cause and effect.’ They learn that when they cry a parent will feed them, change their nappy, soothe them or entertain them. As they reach the age of 18 months, and their brains develop they start to realise that they are separate from their parents and can influence what happens. Tantrums are your toddler’s way of flexing their little muscles, and trying to get their needs and desires met.

At the age of two, your toddler’s brain is going through an incredible period of development. When they throw themselves on the floor because you cut their sandwich the ‘wrong’ way, they’re not being deliberately difficult. They’re experiencing emotions just as intensely as we do, but without the tools to process them. Imagine feeling frustrated, angry, or disappointed, but not having the words to explain why or the experience to manage those feelings. That’s your toddler’s daily reality.

Your role as an emotional anchor

During a tantrum, your toddler needs you to be their ‘regulator’ – their harbour in the storm. They’re learning from you how to respond to their big feelings. When you stay calm (even if you’re counting to ten in your head), you’re teaching them that emotions are manageable and that it’s safe to express feelings.

It is useful to imagine that your toddler relies on your brain to teach them how to self soothe. If you can stay calm and empathise, they will learn the life skill of calming themselves down. If you get angry and upset – that will hamper their learning.

In the past, parents have been encouraged to walk out and ignore a child when they have a tantrum. From your toddler’s point of view, that tells them, “Mummy / Daddy can’t cope with my emotions. I’m so bad, they have to leave.”

Instead, it’s best to stay nearby in the same room, and empathise with the frustration your toddler is experiencing. However, it’s OK to stay silent if that helps more than empathy. It’s important to experiment and find out what works best for your toddler.

Brain science – what’s going on in your toddler’s brain?

During a tantrum, your child’s ‘primitive’ or ‘emotional’ brain (the limbic system) is in full control, while their thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) is still developing. This means they literally can’t reason during a meltdown – which is why asking “why are you crying?” or saying “calm down” rarely works. Their brain is flooded with stress hormones, making it impossible for them to think logically or respond to rational arguments.

What’s interesting is that tantrums often follow a predictable pattern:

• They start with protest (crying, screaming)
• Some toddlers then move to aggression (kicking, hitting, banging their head on the floor)
• And finally reach despair (sobbing, seeking comfort)

The tantrum is like a bell curve – it goes up – reaches a peak, then subsides. When they are on the downward curve, they will be much more responsive to your efforts to calm them. Understanding this pattern can help you respond more effectively and with more patience.

The hidden benefits of tantrums

Believe it or not, tantrums have several important developmental purposes:

• They help children learn about their emotional boundaries
• They’re opportunities to develop emotional regulation skills
• They teach children that they can survive difficult feelings
• They help build trust that you’ll be there for them, even at their worst

Examples of empathy

It’s best not to view tantrums as a battle of wills, but instead an opportunity to be alongside your toddler – as a guide and mentor, helping them to learn – and showing them you ‘get’ how hard it is coping with frustrations when you’re so little.

Although the tantrum may be over something trivial – it is not trivial to your child. It can be useful to try to get inside the brain of your two-year-old and really try to ‘get’ how important or devastating the situation feels to them.

Here are some of the things you can say during different stages of a tantrum. The key is to keep your voice soft and calm:

When a tantrum first begins:

• “I can see you’re feeling really upset right now. That must feel so hard.”
• “I know it’s really disappointing when (x happens.) I get upset about hard things too.”
• “You really want (x.) It’s okay to feel sad when we can’t have something we want.”
• “It’s hard to stop (doing x.) You wish you could carry on. It’s okay to feel cross about that.”
• “You’re trying so hard to do that. It’s really frustrating when things don’t work the way we want.”

During the peak:

• “I’m right here with you.”
• “You’re safe. I’m staying close.”
• “All your feelings are okay.”
• “I’m here when you’re ready.”

(Sometimes remaining silent while staying nearby is best during the peak)

As they start to calm:

• “Would you like a cuddle?”
• “That was a really big feeling, wasn’t it?”
• “Your tears helped get the big feelings out.”
• “Shall we take some deep breaths together?”

When they’re calmer:

• “That made you upset. You managed to calm down.”
• “It’s hard learning to cope with your big feelings.”
• “I love you, even when you have big feelings.”

Your tone of voice and presence matter more than the exact words. Sometimes just sitting quietly nearby, nodding with understanding, and opening your arms for a hug when they’re ready is all that’s needed.

Keep yourself safe

It’s important to stay safe. If your toddler tries to hit you hold their hands as gently as you can, and say, “we need to keep everyone in our family safe. I won’t let you hurt me.” If they try to kick you, keep a safe distance. Don’t try to restrain them unless you find that this really helps and only restrain them if you can avoid being hurt. It’s much harder to stay calm if your toddler has just head-butted you in the face!

Preventing tantrums

Preventing a tantrum is much better than trying to deal with a full-blown meltdown. So how can you reduce the number of tantrums your toddler has?

Try to have consistent routines in the morning, evening and at mealtimes, so your toddler gets used to doing the same things in the same order.

Try to give advance warnings before your toddler needs to transition to another activity. “We’ll be leaving the park in five minutes. What do you want to do in the last five minutes before we go?”

It’s very important to maintain your toddler’s sleep routine, so they don’t get too tired. Plus, to have regular meals and healthy snacks between meals so your toddler doesn’t get ‘hangry.’

Toddlers like to choose – so it’s good to offer limited, age-appropriate choices. “Do you want the yellow plate or the red plate? Do you want to clean your teeth before your bath or after your bath?”

One final point – don’t give in to demands. If your toddler is screaming for a biscuit, and you give it to them, they learn what works to get what they want. That will make tantrums more likely. The next time they want a biscuit, and you refuse, they will scream even louder and longer, until you give it to them. It’s OK to explain, “now you’ve had a tantrum, I won’t be able to give you that, otherwise you might think that’s how you get what you want.” Then empathise with how hard it is and try to distract them.

Looking forward

Remember, this phase is temporary – this too will pass. Your toddler isn’t giving you a hard time – they’re having a hard time. Each tantrum is an opportunity to teach your child how to handle frustrations and difficult emotions and strengthen your bond. You’re not just managing difficult behaviour; you’re helping shape their brain, which will influence how well your child can handle emotions for the rest of their life.

The most important thing

You’re doing better than you think. Parenting a toddler is incredibly demanding, and it’s okay to find it challenging. Take care of yourself too – if you can regulate your emotions your child will gradually learn to regulate theirs.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, reach out to other parents or family members.

If the tantrums continue, it can help to arrange a call with a child behaviour expert. I can do some sessions to guide you through exactly what to do and support you every step of the way until the tantrums subside. There’s no shame in seeking support and you can learn some great skills that you’ll use for the rest of your child’s life.

When you look back on this phase (and you will,) you’ll see it as a time when your child was learning to be their own person, with you as their loving guide. Every tantrum survived is a step toward emotional maturity – for both of you.