As a parenting specialist and chid behaviour expert, I work with many parents who have an angry or aggressive child. Having worked with hundreds of parents, there are some strange paradoxes about a child aged 5, who has angry outbursts.

Paradox 1 – They are a model pupil at school, yet angry and aggressive behaviour at home.

On the one hand, the child is often perfectly behaved at school, and yet a mini tyrant at home. So, why does this happen?

It’s often because the child is comfortable at home, and slightly less comfortable in the school environment. Also, at school there are specific rules about behaviour. School rules are quite firm and consistently applied. However over the years I’ve noticed that the parents I work with are often kind, gentle, loving and empathetic – and try to give their child the best possible childhood. However, they struggle to enforce the boundaries. They give the child lots of loving attention and fun, but they find it hard to set firm rules.

If your child is perfectly behaved at school, and only violent at home, there are a couple of points you may find reassuring. Firstly, it is less likely that your child is neurodiverse (although still possible) because they manage to behave so well at school. Also, it’s a relief if the aggressive behaviour only happens at home, because if a child hits out at school, it becomes a much bigger issue to resolve. Also, your child may get a reputation for being aggressive which is best avoided by tackling the anger at home.

Paradox 2 – The child is angry and aggressive. But also acts like a victim, saying “I wish I’d never been born.” 

A child who is aggressive is often shouting and hostile and yet will later use phrases that imply a ‘victim mentality’ such as “I wish I were dead. I hate myself.”

So, why does that happen?

An angry 5-year-old is trying to get their own needs met – albeit not in the best way. They feel angry that the adults are in charge, and they don’t really understand the way the world works. They don’t have the social skills or vocabulary to be able to explain themselves, and use ‘hitting’ to try to show how annoyed they are that they can’t get their own way.

However, the people they hurt the most, are also the people they love the most – their family. They don’t want to lose their temper. They just haven’t learned the best way to behave when they can’t get their own way.  This puts them in a battle with their close family members – and they need their parents to provide their love and security.

Children are often helpless to stop their angry outbursts, however, they learn that when they say, “No one likes me. I wish I wasn’t in this family,” they draw out the more loving caring side of their parents. They want closeness and connection, and when they say how sad they are about their angry outbursts, the parents move from being cross to being reassuring, kind and gentle again.

Your child may be dominating and aggressive with their friends. However, it’s quite common for a child to ‘rule the roost’ at home, and yet seem shy at school perhaps they won’t stand up for themselves with friends, or they may even be bullied at school.

So why is that?

Children who are angry at home, feel comfortable showing their emotions in front of their family, but they don’t have the social skills to deal with disagreements. They need the help and support of their parents to learn how to deal with conflict assertively – both at home and with friends – and explain what they need ‘in words.’

Paradox 3 –  Everything is going well, then suddenly the child has an angry outburst over something very small.

Have you ever noticed that your child is playing happily, seems happy and content, and then something small happens and they lose it completely? This may happen so regularly that you find yourself ‘treading on eggshells’ and worried about the next outburst.

There may be several reasons for your child’s sudden, fiery temper.

One is that an angry 5-year-old forms particularly strong pictures in their head about what is going to happen. They imagine exactly how a situation is going to go. Then something happens that they weren’t expecting. A parent says ‘no’ or does the wrong thing and suddenly their image is shattered, and the child is distraught.

If you relate to this, it’s important to remember that your child is still young. They don’t have the ability to regulate their emotions, like an adult. You also can’t see inside their head about what they ‘pictured’ was going to happen. When a parent or sibling does something to shatter their ‘perfect vision’  it feels to the child as if you deliberately tried to ruin their fun. Your child needs you to help them deal with changes more easily. To predict possible upsets and teach them how to cope when things don’t go the way they ‘pictured.’

A five-year-old also needs help from their parents to manage their anger – they actually can’t do it on their own. They are too young and immature. It’s a bit like us. As parents, even though we wish we didn’t shout. We know it isn’t effective in the long term to stop poor behaviour – but we still do it.

Fight or flight

There is another reason that a child may suddenly get angry over a small incident. When your child’s ‘fight or flight’ reaction kicks in, their brains releases two tranches of hormones. The first one is adrenaline-based and is designed to send energy and oxygenated blood to your child’s arms and legs. So, they can hit out (fight) or run away (flight). These hormones tend to dissipate in about 20 minutes. However, there is a second wave of hormones that keep your child ‘alert for danger.’ This second tranche of hormones only dissipates in 48 hours. So if your child has had a major outburst, they will be likely to lose their temper more quickly over the next 2 days, as nature has ‘primed’ them to be ready to react.

A young child needs their parents to help them understand their anger. Then teach them how to control their impulses and calm themselves down. They also need their parents to understand their frustrations and be on their side. To be with them helping them navigate their world. Rather than against them, acting like an ‘enemy’ who shouts at them if they don’t get it right.

Paradox 4 – The child has a sweet, kind, caring personality. But is also violent and aggressive.

Many parents see their chid is gorgeous, funny and thoughtful and love being with them. Yet their child also has a violent temper and will hit or kick out. Even if they have never been smacked themselves.

So what’s going on?

It’s important to remember that your child is only five. They are young and inexperienced, and struggle to understand the world. They want a close loving relationship with their parents and family, but they don’t know what to do instead of hitting to show how angry they feel.

A five-year-old is immature and learning about the world. But it’s good to realise they are still sweet and gorgeous and have lovely attributes. They need your help to learn the skills to help them navigate conflict and difficulties successfully. They also need unconditional love. To know that even if they do the wrong thing, you will always love them. No matter what. Your child should feel loved regardless of their behaviour. However, they are young and inexperienced and need you to learn a specific set of skills to help them manage their anger – they can’t do it on their own.

Getting expert help

Dealing with an angry 5-year-old can be confusing and exhausting. That’s why many parents seek expert help so they can help their child.

Your child is hard-wired to make mistakes and to test boundaries, so they can learn how the world works. Children behave well when they can. However they need their parents’ help to build up a close supportive bond. Then if the child gets it wrong – to use positive discipline instead of shouting, threatening or punishing them. So, they learn from mistakes instead of feeling ‘bad’ in their own skin.

No matter how much it seems like your child is mean or aggressive, they are still a tiny little person in need of help. The best parents will seek that help. So, the aggressive behaviour doesn’t persist or become ‘hard wired’ into their child’s personality. This could be devastating in the child’s teenage years, and for their partners in future relationships.