Why does the return to school after a holiday cause so much anxiety?

This is an e-mail I received recently: “Dear Elizabeth. We heard about you through a friend, who you helped with a similar issue, and wondered if you could help us. Our son, Oscar (7) is anxious about going back to school in September. During the whole of last year, we noticed he often had outbursts on a Sunday evening or Monday morning. After the Christmas and Easter holidays, he said he didn’t want to go back to school. But this summer, he has worried for weeks about his new teacher, who has a reputation for being quite strict. We have just had the evening from hell, with him screaming, shouting and then barricading himself in his room. Are you able to fit us in before the start of September?”

Over my many years working with parents, I’ve noticed it’s common to hear just before the start of the school year, with them saying their child was fine all summer,  but they can’t understand why their child is suddenly so anxious at the thought of going back to school.

It catches many parents off guard. You’ve had a complete break throughout the whole of the school summer holidays. No uniform, no homework, no alarm clocks. You may have gone away for a summer break. Then, somewhere around the end of August – or the beginning of September – you notice an unusual flare up of angry outbursts, moodiness, defiance or anxious behaviour. Sound familiar?

Let me explain what’s actually going on, because once you understand it, it’s so much easier to handle with patience rather than frustration.

Five weeks is a long time for a child’s brain

The thing is that five weeks doesn’t sound like much to us as adults. But for a child, particularly a younger one, that’s a huge chunk of time completely free of structure, expectations, and routine. Their brain has spent five weeks getting comfortable with lie-ins, freedom, and a big relaxation of the routines. Going from that back into a structured school day, with rules, timetables, and someone else calling the shots, is a big adjustment. It’s not naughtiness. It’s not ingratitude. It’s just a big change, and children (like most of us, if we’re honest) don’t love big changes.

The ‘unknown’ feels bigger than it is

For your child, every September brings something new. A new teacher. A new classroom. Maybe new classmates, a new timetable – or a bigger, scarier building if they’re moving up to secondary school.

Just imagine if once a year you were forced to move office and were allocated a new boss. I suspect it would feel a bit daunting to you too.

Children don’t yet have the life experience to know that new situations usually turn out fine. All they know is uncertainty, and uncertainty, to a child’s brain, can feel like danger. That’s why you might see anxious behaviour ramping up even though your child is only anticipating the new year, and absolutely nothing bad has happened yet. inerestingly, teachers I know also report feeling anxious just before the start of school, so it’s not just children who feel worried.

What to expect in the week before they go back

This is the bit parents often aren’t expecting, so let me give you some insight into what’s actually happening behind the scenes in that final week of the holidays.

You might notice your child becoming clingier than usual, wanting to be near you constantly, or suddenly regressing to behaviours they’d grown out of. You might see more meltdowns over tiny things, arguments that seem to come from nowhere, or a real reluctance to talk about school at all when you talk about it. Sleep can become disrupted too, with children lying awake worrying or waking in the night. Some children become quiet and withdrawn, others become defiant and start pushing every boundary you set. These are simply different ways of expressing the same underlying anxiety: “I’m worried about going back to school, and I don’t know how to tell you that.”

It’s worth knowing that this behaviour is rarely really about school itself. It’s a build-up of emotions. Your child’s nervous system is on high alert, and because children (and even teenagers) often can’t articulate “I’m anxious,” it comes out as anger, tears, or withdrawal.

4 ways you can help

If you notice your child becoming unusually anxious, tearful, or out of character in the run-up to the return to school, please know that this is very common, and there is a huge amount you can do to help them through it.

1. Help your child to ‘picture’ what it will be like

The best thing you can do in that final week is talk gently and specifically about what going back to school will look like, rather than avoiding the subject to keep the peace. Children’s brains like certainty. Although most children find school (largely) enjoyable, uncertainty can play on their minds.

So, talk about the return to school. Get them to picture their new teacher, what it will be like in their new classroom, who will be in their class, where they’ll spend their breaks, the friends they will see again, etc.

If it’s a change of school, look at the school website and prospectus. Imagine what lessons will be like. Do the school journey together. Stand outside the school and ask questions that help your child to imagine being there.

2. Re-establish the school routine the week before

Gradually re-introduce the school routine in the week before term starts. Encourage your child to go to bed earlier, get up earlier and have regular mealtimes.

3. Stay calm

It’s important to understand that, just before school starts again, your child’s angry outbursts and arguments are not naughty behaviour, they are caused by anxiety. Although staying calm can be really hard if your child is rude or having frequent meltdowns, if you can regulate your emotions, it will help your child to regulate theirs.

4. Empathise

Don’t dismiss your child’s feelings with “you’ll be fine.” Instead, plan to validate what your child is feeling. Although you may worry you might stir up your child’s anxiety, it’s good to use empathy: “It sounds like you’re feeling a bit worried about going back to school. It feels a bit scary at the moment.” Don’t try to fix it. Don’t tell them school will be great. Don’t minimise it. Just acknowledge what may be going on in your child’s brain. Show them you ‘get’ how they feel. It will help your child a lot if you can just put ‘words’ to what’s going on for them and accept that is what they’re feeling.

Once they’ve opened up about their feelings, you can ask, “What do you think you could do that might help?” This helps your child feel more empowered and you may be pleasantly surprised by your child’s insightful suggestions.

What if your child is still anxious?

If you use these four strategies, your child’s anxiety can be hugely reduced. However, if your child remains anxious, and you realise that it’s a bigger problem than you can deal with alone, it can be really useful to get some professional support.

Get in touch, and learn how to get your child feeling calmer and more confident about going back to school. Not just in September but for all the school holidays ahead.